A Businessman with a Gun

Happy St. Patrick’s Day!

Today is when we celebrate the patron saint of Ireland by drinking green beer and barfing in an alley. Just kidding, but I’ve had plenty of hangovers on March 18th that were earned at O’Doherty’s Irish Grille (John Cutler’s favorite bar, btw).

I’m sure I promised God to never drink again if he would make the hangovers go away. He didn’t fall for that promise while I was in high school, so it was unlikely he would fall for it when I was an adult. Still, I tried though. Desperate times call for desperate measures.   

Many of my St. Patrick’s Day memories are tied to my time with the Spokane Police Department. For a while, I worked in Special Police Problems, a mostly liaison role with City Hall regarding security issues, the Gambling Commission, and the Liquor Control Board (before they became the Liquor and Cannabis Board). I also handled various “special” problems assigned to me by the chief that required a light touch because of their political nature.

When I first joined SPD, a couple of FTOs (Field Training Officers) called me a “businessman with a gun” because of my previous experience in commercial real estate. I thought it was a derogatory term at first, but I later realized it was also a shout-out to my ability to sell. I didn’t want to fight every suspect I came in contact with. I didn’t want to fight any of them, actually. Getting hit hurts, and a lot of things can go wrong during a fight. So I made it my mission to talk criminals into handcuffs. Did it always work? Not even close, but it worked enough that the businessman-with-a-gun label stuck.

I think that impression is why I got the Special Police Problems gig.

A large part of the position’s responsibilities was working with the Liquor Control Board. I inspected bars and event centers prior to issuing licenses. I joined the LCB on directed enforcement nights, especially around the big drinking holidays and community events. St. Paddy’s Day was one of our biggest, especially if the annual parade fell on March 17th.*

We ran across plenty of overcrowded bars with over-served patrons. Fights between drunken revelers. I was groped by more intoxicated female bar-goers than I can remember. They were more impressed by the uniform than by me. I’m not delusional enough to think otherwise.

BTW, if you’ve read the Charlie-316 series, you might remember the character Gary Stone who had a major role in the second book, Never the Crime. Stone was in the Special Police Problems role. I used my experiences in that position as fodder for the character.

What are your favorite memories of St. Patrick’s? Is it wearing green as a kid and getting pinched if you didn’t? Do you get a Shamrock Shake at McDonald’s during this time of year? Can you sing Danny Boy? I’d love to hear your thoughts.